Saturday, March 19, 2005

Girlscouts KILL!!!!

I'm watching an ABC news report on Girlscout cookies right now. There are all of these people who are like "Girlscouts cookies are the devil! They should sell Boondoggle Keychains instead of those diabetes-causing horrors!" ... Ok, so I added the boondoggle part, but that's the basic idea. Susan Cooper, an unattractive, anorexic woman comes onto the camera and talks about how we're in the midst of an "obesity pandemic" (did she miss the memo? Why is she so thin in the midst of this PANDEMIC? She probably has friends in the goverment who supply her with special serum that causes her cheeks to cave inward), and that the girlscouts shouldn't be attacking the health of our helpless children.

Next, Michael Jacobson tells us that "girlscouts should be selling products that don't undermine our health... whether that's keychains... or... whatever!" Very intelligently put, Michael. Well done, well done.

As for me, I just don't know what I'll do if I can't buy my samoas next year! Oh, Lord, I feel sick with anguish at the thought of my children growing up in a world without Thin Mints! Someone must stop these paranoid cookie-nazis!

6 comments:

quarto said...

"(did she miss the memo? Why is she so thin in the midst of this PANDEMIC?)"

HAHAHA!

You. crack. me. up.

Maybe we should try to GAIN weight, to join our fellow pandemic sufferers?

cheap-sat said...

i thought girl scout cookies were relatively low in fat. but, what else would they sell? i tell you what; i'd buy a merit badge that said 'sharphooter: Rank AA' or something like that.

Marianne said...

Yeah, I think we have to catch up to this pandemic. I wonder why nobody told me. Am I THAT unpopular?? I need to eat more of my vitametavegimin so I can be less "unpoopular at parties." (I love lucy, anybody?)

Marianne said...

Oooo, a sharpshooter badge! Hook me up!!

Anonymous said...

Cookies don't make people fat. People make people (i.e., themselves) fat. They do this by eating entire tubes of of Thin Mints in a single setting (this is, by the way, what I usually do) instead of the recommended serving. Also, if the anti-obesity enthusiasts want to fight for something they should demand a revolution in what I like to call lunch-lady land. That's right, old Betsy's High's [insert the name of your public school here], french-fry- serving cafeteria. The school lunch automatically comes with fries. As such the student's choices are to indulge or suffer through four more hours of comtemporary lit and advanced calculus without some brain food. Girl Scout cookies, on the other hand, offer the pandemic's victim with a multi-stage choice-making process. 1- Should I buy any cookies at all; 2- Should I go for those oh-so-fattening-but-oh-so-good-Somoas or the lower calorie Trefoils; 3- Do I really need to eat an ENTIRE tube of cookies in a single setting (see above)!?! In short, we all need to have a little more self-control and be less passionate about hating on the Girls. Good Grief- they are trying on their honor to serve God and their country, to help all people at all times, and to live by the Girl Scout law.

quarto said...

...is that Kim?