Thursday, November 03, 2005

Seriousness and complaining erupt

Last night was weird... yesterday was weird... come to think of it, my whole week has been weird. I just feel very out of place in my life right now. I don't know what I'm doing, what I should be doing, or how to do what I'm not sure that I'm supposed to be doing until I figure out what I'm actually supposed to do. Does taht sentence make an sense at ALL?...

Plus, school is kicking my butt right now, I feel all out-of-sorts with several friends, and I have like a million things all screaming "Do me right now!! No, NO, over HERE!!! Do ME instead!!! Noooo, not them, me, MEEE!" And my head is in a whirl.

What I WANT to do is still be a missionary. But I can't do that, because everyone who would've given me support will say "it didn't work last time - God probably wants you at home, so I don't know how I'd feel about supporting you." But last night at, Laura said something about how when she was visiting Israel she had this sense of contentment that she didn't feel here. And I realized that I experienced overwhelming contentment whenever I was on the field (except for the last 3 months I was in Japan, but that's because panic attacks were making me a crazy woman. Literally.). I had contentment during my 1st summer in Japan, I had it during the summer I spent in Indonesia, and the 1st year I was in Japan, and also in Louisiana after Katrina, and even way back in college when I spent a week in Mississippi helping Habitat for Hummanity. Those are the only times I can definately recall that much contentment packed into such a little amount of time. But how does a failed missionary get support to go back and be a missionary again? I don't know.


I mean, I do have happiness here. I'll be making a collage or sewing, or stringing together a necklace, and I'll be happy. But it's totally different than true contentment. You know?


Are total strangers going to read this entry about me? That is odd.

1 comment:

quarto said...

Mhines, you SHOULD be a missionary and you should be striving towards that goal. Don't worry that you went abroad before and caome back. That doesn't mean you're NEVER supposed to go back again--that means the timing wasn't right, or you weren't ready, or who knows--maybe something totally related. Maybe your leaving started a whole chain of events that God had planned out for ages that has nothing to do with your qualifications as a missionary.

You have a heart for a lost that I have rarely seen in anyone that wasn't directly involved in ministry already. You also have a longing to be out on the field. I think you should go for it, and don't worry--God will work things out.